Finding Your Voice Both In and Out of Bed

Gabrielle Davina, Sex Columnist

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As I was giving direction to a lover in bed one evening, he smirked at me and said, “What are you, a guru?”

I smirked back down at him and said, “Nah, I just know what I like.”

A 2009 study done by researchers at King’s College London found that smarter women have more fun in bed.  The researchers attributed this to the fact that women of higher intelligence tend to communicate their sexual wants and expectations to their lovers more than women of average intelligence.

Regardless of your IQ score (because who cares about that anyway) I want to encourage you to do the same. At the time I read about this study, I was somewhat shy both in and out of bed—I had only had any sexual experience with my high school boyfriend, and I don’t recall ever speaking up about what I liked, didn’t like, wanted to try, etc.  I was also unaccustomed to speaking up and causing a stir in general.  Not only was I a virgin to controversy, I was only one five-minute experience past being an actual virgin.

Fast forward nearly four years to this moment, and here I am, writing my very last sex column telling you to be the vocal girl (or guy…oh, hey guys) I read about in that study instead of the timid girl I was when I read it.

In bed and in life, two things tend to be true. 1) If you don’t ask, you don’t get (unless you’re very lucky); and 2) If you want to address something with your partner or another human being and you don’t bring it up yourself, it won’t get addressed (unless you’re dating a clairvoyant).

There you have two reasons, two solid motives to take personal responsibility for what you want out of life and what you want in bed.  And by taking personal responsibility, you will be saying to yourself: “I have to speak up if I want that job,” or “I have to speak up if I want him to go down on me.”

Taking personal responsibility in any aspect of life is accepting that you have the power to actively better your life and then grasping that power.  It’s your responsibility to communicate what you want and need to those around you because, face it—our lives are all intertwined, but sometimes we’re so busy all we can think about is dealing with our own b.s.  You have to look out for number one.

So many people don’t speak up in bed because they’re embarrassed, whether it be by their desires specifically or the fact that they have desires at all.  You’re quicker to let someone put their hands on you than you are to tell them what works and does not work for your pleasure.  If you’re comfortable enough with someone to put your mouth on their nether regions, you should feel comfortable enough to make your own requests.

A key component to enjoying your life, sexual and otherwise, is not being afraid to say what you want to say.  This is where I tie in my column: the reason it’s been able to continue for the past year and a half despite a few Letters to the Editor demanding such smut be taken out of the paper is because many of you think the same things that I type.  You’ll talk about it among your friends, but the difference is that I’m not afraid to say it “outloud”: in the paper, with my name on it and with many of you knowing who I am personally.

Since everyone’s thinking it and I’m the one saying it, I’ve received an overwhelming amount of support for this column.  From a girl that came up to me in the Victor’s bathroom and thanked me for covering topics so relevant to her life to the gentleman who walked up to me in Kessel telling me he found my work to be noble and worthy of respect, I want to thank you all for being so supportive.  At first, I was nervous—pretty damn nervous, actually, and I’ve been nervous to publish the more controversial topics (see: Threesome, Anyone?) throughout my tenure as sex columnist.  The support has boosted my personal morale in relation to this column a great deal, but even without it, what keeps me writing is that everything I put into this column is written with honesty, integrity and respect.

If you’re speaking your own personal truth, never be ashamed. Everything written in this column over the last year and a half fits that bill.

Rounding it back to the bedroom, never find shame in telling someone what you want out of your sexual experience.  Everyone has wants and needs; express them.  Most people’s desires are not out of the ordinary enough not to be considered and accommodated by their lover.  Speaking up will empower you and give you a more fulfilling experience.  If your lover isn’t willing to accommodate, are you sure you’re sexually compatible?

Find your voice.  On top of maximizing your sexual pleasure, who knows?  Finding your voice in other arenas—work, classes, social movements, whatever—could literally change your life.

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