As you might have noticed, my name is Mr. Bones, and I just started a new job at Mortola Library. With Halloween being right around the corner, many of you have posed concerns that I am cursed. I just want to set things straight. I’m not “cursed”, I just have an ancient spell damning me to forever inhabit the library that was inflicted on my entire family in 1983. That’s normal!

One day, I was just minding my own business when some guy with blood on his hands came up to me and recited a nice little poem in Latin. I’m sure it’s completely unrelated, but after that, I felt a sharp pain in my chest and collapsed to the ground. The next thing I knew, I was trapped!

Before you try and “cancel” me for being “problematic” because of all the “demonic screaming”, maybe you should come a little closer… I won’t hurt you; I promise. I just want to be friends. I don’t need your help to break the spell by collecting three magical ingredients. I would appreciate it if you brought me the Eye of Newt, though. It’s my favorite. Oh, and could you ask your roommate to bring over some of that blood in his closet? What do you mean, it’s fake? What kind of antidote requires fake blood? I mean, I don’t need an antidote. I’m not cursed; I just can’t leave here, ever.

I haven’t paid my taxes in forty years. The last time I ate a home-cooked meal, Reagan was president. Is Johnny Carson still on TV? I love that guy. What were we talking about? The curse? There’s no curse. Stop talking nonsense or I’ll have to call forth the demons to trap your soul in that book over there. Oh, you’re a “fan” of Stephen King? How’d you like to meet him? Just walk over to that book and pick it up. Now repeat after me. Wait, stop! Don’t throw that at me! Whoever said sticks and stones will break your bones, but words will never hurt me has never been in this position!