Tomorrow’s the big day, February 14, the worst day of the year. At least that’s true for men in relationships with women. The varying, and frankly ridiculous, opinions from women on Valentine’s Day only strengthen the argument for “all chicks are insane.” If you’re a man who has ever been in a relationship through February and you’re not nodding your head in agreement, I pity you for whatever mind game has been played with you. You have reached the point of no return. Do not pass go. Do not collect two hundred dollars.

I’d like to break down some of the different female views on this subject but first, let me just throw out there that I understand that this is a fake holiday promoted by businesses to suck the money out of our bank accounts by convincing women that it’s a real reason to celebrate. Look up the Google definition of “valentine” and you’ll see that nowhere in there does it say to blow 400 dollars on a necklace and take her out to a restaurant that you need to book three months in advance just so you’re not eating in the back alley of a Denny’s that night.

Excuse me as I attempt to break down this nonsense. Also, take into account that there is no way in hell that I’m going to talk about the single women who cry into a pile of chocolate and gin each year because they’re “forever alone.” The world sees what you’re tweeting about being by yourself; so maybe you deserve to be alone forever. But that’s beside the point.

The first type of woman I’ll just call the “sucker-lover.” Don’t get your panties in a bunch. I’m saying that they simply love a guy who’s dumb enough to buy into all the hype of V-Day. These morons are willing to buy the necklace and the nice dinner and then throw in a Michael Kohrs bag and accept nothing in return. Some of these girls will actually get mad if they don’t get something nice and expensive. Excuse me, miss, but you’re batshit crazy and that guy is a sucker.

Next up is who I think I’d like to refer to as “the bull.” These girls are the ones that talk about how much they hate Valentine’s Day and everything about it. If they even see anything red, the horns come out and you just sit back and wait for them to try to run through it. So unless you’re a world class matador, you’re not getting away with doing ANYTHING for this hallmark holiday. I can understand why people wouldn’t want to celebrate the day because it’s stupid but in what world should you be ticked off because someone wants to do something nice for you? Even if it’s something small like a card, the bull will freak out. Come on; try to be grateful. And then be grateful that he didn’t drop your crazy ass already.

To be fair, maybe not ALL women are crazy. Maybe. But that’s who I’m going to finish with. The “Mila” is the girl that every guy hopes for on V-Day. She’s neither here nor there about celebrating and if you get her anything at all, she’s grateful. She wants to see you but doesn’t need to get a fancy dinner for her time. Like Mila Kunis, this kind of woman is rare and any guy would be lucky to have her. I haven’t seen many relationships with these women in them so I can only assume that means there are only a few out there. It seems so simple for a woman to have these kinds of feelings towards Valentine’s Day but unfortunately that’s just not the case.

My hard truth is that it’s just a stupid day. And, unless something drastic happens, a woman isn’t going to change her opinions about it; at least not for the better. But in reality, when the other women in relationships are going to get special treatment, the man who really cares about his girl should take the initiative to say, “I want her to feel more special than any of those other girls.”

I don’t condone spending a boat-load of money because as I said, it’s just a fake holiday and money shouldn’t determine whether or not you care, but something as simple as flowers is a nice gesture. But what women need to realize is that your man shouldn’t feel obligated to do something for Valentine’s Day because of you. Trust me, he has enough pressure from the media and everyone else telling him what to do.