There is no excuse in the world that boils my blood more than this excuse: “I can be honest with you all because we’re friends.” If you insert any deplorable excuse before ‘because we’re friends,’ it is just as irritating if not more. What irritates me most about this excuse is that is often used by people who have no sense of boundaries and need an excuse to cross the line every once in a while.

Friendship, like love, is used, abused and exploited by people consistently. We often use love and friendship as a medium to deflect all of our insecurity, our hurt and pain to develop codependent relationships with people all in the name of friendship. Love was never meant to have a lot of the insecurities, hurt and stupid decisions that people attach to it. We confuse being in love with being blind, and friendships are no different. At their core they celebrate a union of likeminded individuals who are able to maintain a relationship that is beneficial for an individual’s personal growth. We think that because we’ve developed these bonds that even the most hurtful of statements and treatment can be bypassed because it’s hard to leave. It’s hard to desert friendships that have been lasted for so long or that seem healthy aside from the moments of utter disrespect, but where and when do we draw the line? Is it too late once it’s already been crossed?

I’ve been through every friendship stage you could think of from growing up to now. I’ve had the one best friend, I’ve been in the clique, been talked about behind my back within the clique, been chess moved around by members of the clique and this all happened in the third grade. From such a young age we learn what it is like to interact with other people under the guise of friendship bracelets and who invites you over to sleepovers. I remember what it felt like being ostracized for speaking out against the clique’s leader at the time and coming back to school ceremoniously ignored by everyone, even the girls who agreed with how I felt about the girl. What I learned is that often in group situations we adapt even when we know what we’re adapting to is wrong. We don’t want to disrupt the groove of the group or be the one to speak out against everyone so we go along with it. The same can be said for the movie Mean Girls. I’ve seen this film too many times but the one thing I walk away from with this film every time is that clique’s can be dangerous; it’s the anti-thesis to individuality and being apart of group stifles all sense of self. You move as one, think the same way, party at the same places and it’s hard to separate you from the group.

The moment Cady joined The Plastics and began to dress like them, eat with them and go everywhere with them, she became part of the nucleus. She had no individuality or sense of self, and once she sparked the rebel in Karen and Gretchen, they ostracized Regina out of the group. It wasn’t until Cady saw her own demise that she realized how senseless the clique was all together. Once they left the clique they all were able to discover who they truly were all along.

We’ve lived with ourselves longer than most of the relationships we land in, we our gut should be an easy thing to follow. Unfortunately, it’s not, but there’s denying that I don’t thrive in groups that stifle my individuality or don’t encourage a healthy relationship that has a sense of boundaries. Cliques tend to fall in that category, and from the days at Our Lady of Lourdes Elementary School to now, I know that is not a situation conducive to healthy friendships for me. Most of my best, longest lasting friendships were the ones I’ve had one on one. That is not to say that I never had friends who all hung out with each other, but we never saw it are friendship as being of the group but in it. We weren’t defined by the group and that is why the friendships I built in high school are the best friendships and relationships I have to this day. We were able to be individuals because that’s how we met each other, and even though all of my best friends are at different schools we still have the same chemistry we had in C lunch 6 years ago.

Part of why these relationships I’ve had on an individual basis are able to last so long is because the trivial aspects of clique formats do not influence us. There is no “us against them,” or “I’ve known you longer than you,” it’s one on one. We have boundaries and even though we’re friends we respect the fact that it is possible to cross the line, even with your friends. We fight like family and love just as unconditionally but finding relationships such as these are difficult.

Often times relationships are built on such unsteady, superficial ground that they are not built to last. We think that people we can have fun with are people we can grow old with and in love and life, which is a formula made for disaster. Superficial values are not built to last and therefore not meant to be used as a foundation to build upon. I’m continually learning and digesting group dynamics and friendships, discovering new aspects to it everyday yet one thing has remained constant: never hurt another in the name of love or friendship.