Hey, Setters! You might have heard that there will be some upgraded amenities on campus this year, but here are a few you have not heard about!
- State-of-the-art pinball machines: That’s right! Each dormitory building will now have
its very own pinball machine in the laundry room! For just 25¢ a play, you can win a tiny
rubber ball while your underwear dries!
- Giant mascot head: Replacing the bust of Byron C. Willcox on the second floor of
Willcox Hall will be a giant, disembodied head of an old T-Bone costume! We have
decided that T-Bone is better for our brand than an old guy who gave us a lot of money
that one time. Besides, it’s not like he’ll know.
- Robots: Have you ever been walking to your next class and realized you forgot your
laptop? Well, fret no more! With our new Assistant School Stuff Helper: Occupational
Luggage Electronic, or ASSHOLE, forgetting supplies will be a thing of the past! Your
ASSHOLE will be assigned to you on move-in day. When you forget something in your
dorm, the ASSHOLE will use its artificial intelligence to decide if it’s important enough to
bring it to you. Your forgotten belongings will then be placed on its delivery tray and
brought to you before you even realize you’ve forgotten them.
- Your roommate’s uncle’s old band: Rock and roll, baby! Your roommate’s uncle Mike
and his band The Fungus will be performing live music at Kessel Student Center from 4
A.M. to 7:30 A.M. on weekends. We apologize for any inconvenience this may cause
you; Mike’s PowerPoint presentation was really persuasive.
- Taylor Swift shrine: We’ve decided to take down the bulletin boards on the second
floor of Miller Hall and replace them with something way cooler—a shrine to
multiplatinum recording artist, Taylor Swift. We recognize that as college students, you
may not have been able to attend this summer’s Eras tour. So instead, there will now be
a place on campus to let your inner Swiftie shine through! Bootleg merch made by three
sophomores (who are all named Katie) will be available for sale in exchange for meal
plan funds beginning in early November when Katie G.’s starts to run out.
- Miranda Cosgrove: After much deliberation about how to make weekends more
educational, we have hired former child star and current host of CBS’ Mission
Unstoppable, Miranda Cosgrove, to perform stand-up comedy at Kessel and also teach
some science experiments because that seems to be what she does on TV.
- A brand-new roller rink: Nobody uses the tennis court anymore, except for a few
skateboarders. That’s really dangerous, so instead, we have decided to introduce the
Pace Roller-rama!, a fully equipped roller rink, to operate in its place. Only students
majoring in American History are eligible to work at the rink due to the fact that roller
skating was really popular in the 1950s through the 1980s right here in the good ol’ U.S.
of A.
- Dinosaurs: To help combat the raccoon problem on campus, we have reached out to
the Museum of Natural History to see if they could get us some real-life dinosaurs.
Unfortunately, they informed us that there are no longer any real dinosaurs. Something
about “extinction” and “asteroids”. Instead, we have given inflatable dinosaur costumes
to all our RAs to wear at night and wave their tiny arms around to scare away any furry
little bandits.
- Free cheese: In a moment of defeat, several professors found themselves with an
impossible task: finishing the giant wheel of cheese they bought to celebrate the end of
the year in June. Students brave enough to try some can get a small portion of cheese
for free in the Dean’s lounge by saying the secret password: ratatouille. Yes, we know
Ratatouille isn’t actually made of rats, we just really like Patton Oswalt.