The Award Winning Newspaper Of Pace University

THE PACE CHRONICLE

The Award Winning Newspaper Of Pace University

THE PACE CHRONICLE

The Award Winning Newspaper Of Pace University

THE PACE CHRONICLE

Setters advance to NCAA Quarterfinals
Dylan Brown, Managing Editor • May 16, 2024

Pace is one step closer to repeating. The Setters defeated the Bentley University Falcons today, 17-10 to advance. Initially offense-filled,...

On field celebrations begin at Northwell Stadium following Pace WLAXs NE-10 Championship game victory on May 11, 2024 (pacewlax and paceuathletics/IG)
Pace WLAX Win NE-10 Title, Hosts NCAA East Regional
Dylan Brown, Managing Editor • May 14, 2024

The title defense marches on for the Setters. Pace Women's Lacrosse defeated Adelphi University 16-14 last Saturday to win the Northeast-10 Championship....

Challengers (2024) official poster
Challengers Review
Evan MahannaMay 10, 2024

Challengers, directed by Luca Guadagnino, is a new romantic sports drama that brings a fresh approach to both genres. It’s a tale of a toxic...

New Facilities That Didn’t Make The Email For Fall 2023

Hey, Setters! You might have heard that there will be some upgraded amenities on campus this year, but here are a few you have not heard about! 

  1. State-of-the-art pinball machines: That’s right! Each dormitory building will now have

its very own pinball machine in the laundry room! For just 25¢ a play, you can win a tiny 

rubber ball while your underwear dries! 

  1. Giant mascot head: Replacing the bust of Byron C. Willcox on the second floor of

Willcox Hall will be a giant, disembodied head of an old T-Bone costume! We have 

decided that T-Bone is better for our brand than an old guy who gave us a lot of money 

that one time. Besides, it’s not like he’ll know. 

  1. Robots: Have you ever been walking to your next class and realized you forgot your

laptop? Well, fret no more! With our new Assistant School Stuff Helper: Occupational 

Luggage Electronic, or ASSHOLE, forgetting supplies will be a thing of the past! Your 

ASSHOLE will be assigned to you on move-in day. When you forget something in your 

dorm, the ASSHOLE will use its artificial intelligence to decide if it’s important enough to 

bring it to you. Your forgotten belongings will then be placed on its delivery tray and 

brought to you before you even realize you’ve forgotten them. 

  1. Your roommate’s uncle’s old band: Rock and roll, baby! Your roommate’s uncle Mike

and his band The Fungus will be performing live music at Kessel Student Center from 4 

A.M. to 7:30 A.M. on weekends. We apologize for any inconvenience this may cause 

you; Mike’s PowerPoint presentation was really persuasive.

  1. Taylor Swift shrine: We’ve decided to take down the bulletin boards on the second

floor of Miller Hall and replace them with something way cooler—a shrine to 

multiplatinum recording artist, Taylor Swift. We recognize that as college students, you 

may not have been able to attend this summer’s Eras tour. So instead, there will now be 

a place on campus to let your inner Swiftie shine through! Bootleg merch made by three 

sophomores (who are all named Katie) will be available for sale in exchange for meal 

plan funds beginning in early November when Katie G.’s starts to run out. 

  1. Miranda Cosgrove: After much deliberation about how to make weekends more

educational, we have hired former child star and current host of CBS’ Mission 

Unstoppable, Miranda Cosgrove, to perform stand-up comedy at Kessel and also teach 

some science experiments because that seems to be what she does on TV. 

  1. A brand-new roller rink: Nobody uses the tennis court anymore, except for a few

skateboarders. That’s really dangerous, so instead, we have decided to introduce the 

Pace Roller-rama!, a fully equipped roller rink, to operate in its place. Only students 

majoring in American History are eligible to work at the rink due to the fact that roller 

skating was really popular in the 1950s through the 1980s right here in the good ol’ U.S. 

of A. 

  1. Dinosaurs: To help combat the raccoon problem on campus, we have reached out to

the Museum of Natural History to see if they could get us some real-life dinosaurs. 

Unfortunately, they informed us that there are no longer any real dinosaurs. Something 

about “extinction” and “asteroids”. Instead, we have given inflatable dinosaur costumes 

to all our RAs to wear at night and wave their tiny arms around to scare away any furry 

little bandits. 

  1.  Free cheese: In a moment of defeat, several professors found themselves with an

impossible task: finishing the giant wheel of cheese they bought to celebrate the end of 

 the year in June. Students brave enough to try some can get a small portion of cheese 

for free in the Dean’s lounge by saying the secret password: ratatouille. Yes, we know 

Ratatouille isn’t actually made of rats, we just really like Patton Oswalt.

 

 

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