6 A.M. Yeah, right.
7 A.M. Get up to pee.
8 A.M. Think about how to grade twenty students’ half-assed discussion boards before kickoff without crying (it’s harder than you think).
9 A.M. Cherish this moment.
10 A.M. Make mini hotdogs for Jeff and the gang.
11 A.M. Text Liz and make sure the grandkids know the Puppy Bowl is on at 1 P.M. on Animal Planet and Discovery+. Do we have Discovery+, Jeff? Text Liz again and ask her if we have Discovery+.
12 P.M. Eat 42 Tostitos before even putting out the salsa. Make guacamole. Ask Jeff to stop texting Dave and help make guacamole.
1 P.M. Watch the Puppy Bowl. Jeff laughs uncontrollably at “Guy Fureri” for three whole minutes. Google Greta Dane. Is that her real name? There’s no way that’s her real name.
2 P.M. Cheer on Cronut. What kind of dog is that? Is he a hippopotamus? Text Liz to see how the kids are enjoying the Puppy Bowl.
3 P.M. Ask Alexa for the weather in Las Vegas. Tell Jeff you hope it doesn’t rain. Go to your desk and get your laptop. Everybody gets a B+. Eat more Tostitos.
4 P.M. Dave arrives with Linda. Linda shows you nine hundred pictures of her new grandson Quayde. Excuse yourself to grade more homework (there’s none left).
5 P.M. Greg and Marcie arrive with their 15-year-old Chihuahua, Bentley. He was not invited. Bentley humps your leg. Bentley sits on Jeff’s lap.
6 P.M. Jeff and the guys sweat profusely. Emma from class sends you an email saying she won’t be in class tomorrow because she’s sick, but you know she’s probably drinking and looking for Taylor Swift at the game. Email her back and say “Okay. Feel better!” Roll your eyes.
6:08 P.M. Commercial break! Receive text message from granddaughter Lily with a blurry photo of Taylor Swift and Donna Kelce taken from her iPhone 15 Pro.
6:20 P.M. Have margaritas with Linda and Marcie. They’re retired. They don’t have to go to sleep at 8:15 just to get enough sleep to leave Manhasset on time for class tomorrow. Envy them.
7 P.M. Tell Jeff you’ll be right back. Drive to CVS parking lot.
7:03 P.M. Enter CVS. Make small talk with cashier named Skylar. Bond over early morning commutes to college. Buy bulk bag of Gummi Bears. Leave CVS, slowly.
7:12 P.M. Sit in driveway.
7:23 P.M. Linda comes to car window and asks if you are okay. Sigh. Tell her you are fine. Get out of car. Bring Gummi Bears.
7:30 P.M. The game has to be over by now. It ends WHEN?
7:45 P.M. You’re getting restless. Say goodnight to your friends. Tell Jeff you’re going to lie down.
7:50 P.M. Arrive at your bedroom. Bentley has peed on your nice white rug. 8:00 P.M. Clean up Bentley’s pee. Ask Marcie to keep an eye on him next time.
8:10 P.M. Go back to bedroom. Cry. Set alarm for 6:45. Go to sleep. Hope you didn’t forget anything. OH NO, THE MINI HOT DOGS! Smoke alarm goes off. Dammit.